Sunday, October 12, 2008

CPE, Anger & Staying Engaged

For those of you who don't know, I just started a year-long chaplaincy residency at the VA in Palo Alto. This paid internship is part of a training program called Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE). Each unit of CPE is different. My units follow the seasons: Fall, Winter, Spring & Summer; by the time the year is over I will have accumulated 4 units of CPE which will lend themselves (should I choose to go forward with it) over to a chaplaincy certification process. These units are also part of my requirements for ordination in the UCC. I chose to work in a VA setting instead of a hospital b/c I'm concerned about the lives being affected by U.S. driven wars both at home and abroad. I wanted to gain skills working with the PTSD population in particular and men in general. This decision landed me in military culture. I am an employee of the U.S. Government. Needless to say, I am constantly surrounded by "difference." This is the hardest work I have ever done in my life.

Each unit begins with a declaration of learning goals. We must identify and flesh out 2 professional goals and 2 personal goals--4 in total. Students are encouraged to search themselves and come up with what THEY need to work on given the context, population and supervisory systems in place. Supervisors help students identify what processes and procedures can be engaged once the goals have been stated, but it's up to the student to name her growing edges. What an amazing exercise! Persons who don't know their own issues have a hard time with this process, but I'm finding it powerfully provocative. I want to bring up one of my learning goals as a discussion topic here on my blog because it intersects with what Wade & Eli have currently brought up in their own writing: arrogance, judgment and loyalty. So let us discuss...

Gayatri Spivak writes that we become human only in response to the call the "other" makes on our life. What responsibility do I have to an/other who not only thinks differently than me, but in that thinking minimizes my humanity, wishes that I would change at my core, and (taken to an extreme) wants persons like me dead? What responsibility do I have to Palin who mocks every advance in human rights with her sound-byte rhetoric devoid of substance and stupid syllabic jabs of juvenille humor? Do I need to hear her out? When should I stop listening? Where do I find her humanity? She is so easy to despise. All the lofty Christian claims to love enemies, to do kindness--they lose their applicability when she opens her mouth.

I use Palin as an example because she is current, but this is a long standing trend in my life. I cannot stand injustice(s). Yes, I'm perpetuating injustice by living in this country, by consuming in ways that hurt the earth. Yes, I consciously and unconsciously do hurtful things sometimes. I'm not above it, but that doesn't mean I can look on systemic racism, homophobia, colonization or any other human-driven murderous action without judgment. I simply cannot. I'm pissed a lot. Pissed at poverty, pro-life parties that love big weapons, littering, animal cruelty, human torture, I could go on and on and on. And that's the problem. There is so much to go on and on about. There's so much wrong. (And yes, there's so much right too, but that's not what I'm talking about today) The sheer amount of suffering and evil--especially visible in a place like the VA--is enough to make a person shrivel up on the inside. Or there's always the option of looking the other way, not taking any of the shit into account. But that's the ultimate evil and not an option in my case.


Yesterday I sat with Marjorie (my pastor) and lamented this part of my personhood, told her how tired I was of being angry, tired of scaring other people with my anger, tired of always being at odds with someone. She isn't the first person I've sought out for help with this. I get similar answers: don't drop the prophetic parts of your personality, but try to find ways of manifesting deep peace and contentment or else you will be consumed by the anger. I don't want to be consumed. I want to be a peace-maker. I don't want to look away. I want to help heal the wounds. So back to the professed learning goal. Clearly, I'm in an (hierarchical, military, patriarchal) environment that challenges my values and world-view everyday. I want to learn how to stay engaged in the work of justice-seeking without turning into a bitter zombie, without falling into the isolated abyss of overly-self-righteous indignation (like Bill Maher, for instance). How do I go about it??

2 comments:

insta-wade said...

I don't know what the answer is Emily, but I'm crying right now after reading your blog (crying in the way that means I deeply, profoundly appreciate and love you and your existence). The first answer that came to mind (as I'm also grappling on how to respond with 3 fear-mongering, ignorance-promoting, hateful Christian political emails sent by my brother, as I'm grappling on how to have a relationship with my Mom, as I'm grappling with the sadness of the relative who accused his ultraconservative Christian father of sexual abuse), the first thing I thought was love. Keep on loving yourself, your life, the places you have come from and the places you are going, the people that you love. Love the hard stuff and the good stuff. And accept all the love that flows toward you. I don't even know why love (weak, hallmarkized, soft-sounding love) is any kind of answer, but it is. The fundamental fact of the day for me is this: It hurts.

stevecaks said...

Emily: You do have angry feelings and at least some of them are justified. But I think perhaps you need to come to terms with yourself as someone who feels everything deeply. Look at the pictures you've posted for the world to see. I see a lot of genuine joy--again, deeply felt--in them.

The rest of us need people like you to jar us out of our complacency. The message to the Laodicean church in the book of Revelation, chapter 3:15 “I know your works; you are neither cold nor hot. I wish that you were either cold or hot. 16 So, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I am about to spit you out of my mouth.--
The Holy Bible : New Revised Standard Version. 1989 (Re 3:15-16). Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers.

Your gift of passion is, as most gifts are, both a blessing and a curse. Try to see for yourself the blessing that you are to others--not by being who you think you should be but just by being who you are. "Vengeance is mine" says the Lord. It's not our job so it shouldn't be our worry either. Let God take care of that and we will be better able to take care of each other.

Steve