Guilt

I had to do 2 things this week that involved trusting my own gut. Both times I walked away feeling like I had done the right thing. However, my head relentlessly criticizes every little action I undertake no matter how 'right' or 'wrong' I am.

The first instance involved taking a public stance on the American occupation of Iraq. Now anyone who knows me is quite aware of where I stand on that blasphemy. It wasn't so much about whether or not to speak that truth, but whether or not to do it in a chapel service at my school. A lot of folks (even progressives!) think religion and politics are so divorced from one another that we should drop our ideology at the door. Um, no. There's a difference between breaching the seperation of church and state and bringing your whole self into a house of worship. I come from a prophetic tradition. Prophecy is nothing if it isn't a challenge to the structures that dominate and exploit people and eco-systems. The minute my faith community tells me to stop talking "politics," is the minute they've lost the faith. There's something to be said for the 'feel good' sunday morning thing. Don't get me wrong, folks need to be comforted and tended to by pastors. But if a church community in America cannot listen to the realities of its participation in global imperial conditions, then it has lost its prophetic edge. And I cannot get with that. All this to say: I knew speaking in chapel was the right thing. But my oh my did I beat myself up for days after I opened my mouth.

The second issue I cannot speak about with such detailed description. In a nutshell, I had to divulge some information to a doctor for the physical well being of one of my clients. Permission was not given to me to divulge that information, but I did it anyways because it was literally a matter of life and death. I could not have slept that night in good conscience if I had made any other decision, and yet to this very minute I crucify myself for not being 'more sensitive' to the feelings of my client.

Perhaps this second guessing is about (the pains of) learning to negotiate in the midst of life's ambiguity and complexities. I didn't always have the best models of how to decide between right and wrong as a kid. Decisions should have been made for me that weren't and vice versa. Regardless, I am now an adult womyn and part of living into that reality is learning what to do in the midst of uncertainty. Perhaps the critical voices won't always be so loud. What ultimately helps me to accept myself--loud voices and all--is to hear my most intelligent, competent, beautiful and thriving friends admit they, too, struggle with decisions and intuitions and self-inflicted guilt.

So I'm putting myself out here, to let you all know--no matter how 'put together' i seem on any given day, I'm just one shore-bound boat floundering in the sea, trying desperately to keep my eye on the light house.

Ejoye
P.S. Hope you all are gearing up for the weekend of activism! Justin Hermann Plaza on Sunday at Noon. Chant down babylon!