Writing Isaiah: Entry #2

Writing Isaiah

Entry #2

May 6th, 2013

Kim Brown-Montenegro

Now as a mom already, what are you most excited about becoming a mom of two?  what is your biggest fear of having two?

Emily Joye McGaughy-Reynolds

Hey Kim,

Thanks for this awesome question. I want to hear how having 3 kids informs this question you've asked. I cannot even imagine what you go through day to day being a mom with three beloved babes. Hopefully next time we sit on a couch together you can tell me all about it. 

The thing I'm most excited about becoming a mom of two is, ironically, two-fold! :-) The first is: witnessing the sibling relationship between Aurora and Isaiah. The second is: witnessing the similarities and differences between them and allowing those similarities and differences to deepen my understandings of what it means to be a human among humans on this Earth. Let me expand on both of these.

1. As an only child, I often watched sibling relationships with a certain jealousy. In many ways I think growing up without siblings can actually set kids up to be overly-adult focused and too independent. These are of course severe generalizations that I put forth with some trepidation. But in my experience, kids brought up alone often struggle with developing and maintaining relationships with people their own age/s and often don't know how to share time/space/resources in (the good) ways that kids who grew up with siblings often do. I am excited that my kids will have each other, for these reasons, and for all the reasons that I cannot comprehend as a person who grew up as an only child. 

I can only imagine that there are bonds between siblings that make life more meaningful. Of course there are siblings who absolutely detest each other, and that's always a possibility, but I'm hoping that the sibling relationship in our family will serve as a place of recognition, accompaniment, play and long-term intimacy. 

On a very practical level, I'm also excited about there now being more humans for Aurora to engage with in a day to day way. When she was first conceived, I was planning on being a single mother with only one child. Life sure does change and change fast sometimes! Now I have a spouse and another baby on the way. We went from a family of two to a family of four, which means Aurora has J.R. and Isaiah to focus on, to play with, to push up against, etc. It lessens the real and perceived possibilities for enmeshment in the mother-daughter bond when there are more people around--which, frankly, eases my anxious mind! 

2. My friend Tom Ryberg and I were talking the other day about how different our daughters are. Ellie, Tom's daughter, is about 10 months older than Aurora. I watched Ellie develop in utero. I was there the day she was born. I've been around as she, Andria (her momma) and Tom have navigated year one and two. Watching Andria's pregnancy and watching Ellie grow up--all before Aurora came into the world--gave me a preview of what I was in for. But you know what? My pregnancy was nothing like Andria's. And Aurora is night and day different from Ellie. In some ways, I almost feel like I set myself up with wrong expectations. Moral of the story: everybody is different. And yet, when Tom and I talk about the new-parenting experience, there are incredible similarities in the impacts our daughters have had on us. So while difference obviously exists, there are points of connections, ways of using similarity to deepen our experiences too. I assume this will be the case with Scrappy Doo. 

Aurora was born of a sperm donor through artificial insemination. Isaiah was conceived with a known, intimate partner through sexual intercourse. Totally different conception stories and totally different paternal identity/lineage/biology/etc. That alone will make them different in concrete ways: body type, personality, race, gifts, struggles, etc. And yet they have the same mommy. Even so: they don't have the same egg from mom's body and the way my biology influences one may be very different than the way my biology influences the other. 

It's all so very very mysterious. And of course fascinating! I cannot wait to witness who they become. How they are similar. How they are different. How they use those similarities and differences to relate to themselves, each other, to their parents and the wider world. As a theologian and overall seeker of knowledge, this process totally appeals to me. I think all the time about personal/communal/cultural/gender/racial/religious/family/national similarities and differences. About the ways these things lead to connection, persecution, education, marginalization, beauty, violence, etc. I'm always genuinely curious about who we are and why we do what we do. Having children who are related yet individual feels like peeling away another layer of the onion in my thinking/understanding on this. 

The answer to your second question about fear is kind of complex. All of my fear is rather anticipatory and ungrounded right now. I have no idea what my life will be like with two kids. Right now, all I have is one kid, so that's all I know and understand. In a way I don't know what to be afraid of. Which, in all honesty, scares me in and of itself! And having said that, I do have some projections into the future that freak me out a bit. The biggest freak out for me is around time. Will I have enough time, as a full time pastor, mom, spouse, etc to give my kids, my work, my love, the world what it needs from me? The second fear is something I mentioned earlier: what if they don't get along? Like what if they have sibling rivalry throughout their lives? Maybe I should read some books about how to foster loving relationships between siblings from a very early age. Or, maybe you have some insight with this? How do Isabella and Jaime get along? And now, how are they with Joaquin? 

In all honesty, two other fears creep up in me that I'm having to spend a lot of time looking at relating to identity issues, justice and community: 1) Aurora's biological father is gay and I fear she'll experience turbulence with homophobia/hetero-normativity around her blended/mixed/queer family & 2) My second child is mixed racially and I fear s/he'll experience turbulence with racism/white-supremacy. I keep thinking that the Mid-West is the Worst place to raise kids in a family like ours when it comes to identity formation. And yet, here we are for the time being. I shouldn't be so harsh. In some ways the Mid-West is the best place to raise kids, in terms of forming values around community, sharing, and public service. This place is awesome at that stuff. And yet, it has a long way to go around diversity and hospitality around difference. I hope that by the time they begin to have understandings about issues of identity regarding sexuality, race, family, culture, etc that my family lives in a more socially progressive and diverse place. They won't feel alone that way and they'll also have more resources for processing who they are, who they aren't and what that means for them both personally and socially. I have to admit though: I wonder if they'll ever be loved anywhere the way they've been loved here. My church and community in Battle Creek never cease to surprise me. They celebrate, and I do mean tangibly celebrate, family and love in ways I've never known before coming here. 

Thanks again for prompting me into this particular writing. It's given me great insight into what I'm carrying around in terms of hope and fear. It's also nice to connect with you in the Spirit of friendship over the miles between us. Would love to hear back if you've got responsive thoughts. 

Much love my dear friend.

Emily Joye